Today’s comic update was delayed yesterday because of an unfortunate even that happened. I don’t want to weigh anyone down with sad news so I will put my update about things going on in my life below the read me cut. I know that not everyone can handle certain type of news and to help keep the sanity of others and keep things as positive and bright as I can on the surface I won’t force anyone to have to read about my life if they don’t want to. Don’t worry, life does happened and I’ve learned that the world continues to move even if things feel like they’re all in a turmoil. You just keep moving forward, it may be hard and it may hurt and feel like it’s impossible but even in the word’s impossible you can see that it also says “I’m possible” so you can make it if you try. Go at the pace that is best for you, don’t move according to what someone else thinks you should move. You are the most important person in your own individual life and don’t let someone else selfishness and sub-conscious need to control, try to take over the freedom you have to make your own decisions. This is your life and you live it at the best of your abilities <3
Now for those of you that decided to press on and read what’s going on in my life I first want to thank you for your concern and for checking up on how I’m doing. A lot of times it’s hard to tell that there are people behind these words I see on computer screens. You get so used to automated spam bots or automated message systems with the internet and sometimes your view get’s cloudy and you can’t always separate the human’s from the robot’s. It’s a weird thing but it’s something that’s happened to me many of times so I’m sure it’s happened to others.
I’m grateful that I was able to spend a nice anniversary with my husband and have more time to spend as a family with our three children. Esiah (my middle son) has been improving so much with his math and Dewayne (my oldest son) has been getting better and better with his speech and phonic skill’s. A personal growth goal for myself is that I want to be a better learning coach for all three of my children. I want to make sure that I can help sit them down and get through each learning unit and help them to understand what they are trying to be taught from the K-12 program.
After our anniversary a lot of things started to unfolded and yesterday another sister that I grew up with has passed away. I don’t handle hospitals very well and feel useless in the matter because all I can do is stand there and stare as they drift away. No tears can help them and sometimes tears can cause a rippling effect and that one person that was trying to hold on to keep it together could easily fall apart.
I know that I’m a very emotional type of person when it comes to certain things. I’ve learned how to keep up a some what straight face front so that those around me that don’t know me won’t notice the turmoil inside but usually those that do know me or can see the change in my eyes, they usually can pick up on it quick.
I received the call yesterday while I was in the store and earlier that day I had already had an upsetting argument or discussion or whatever you want to call it with someone else in my family and because of that my peace of mind was throw all out of wack and I decided that it’s best to cut off that connection that I’m keeping open with them because it’s messing up my mental stability and bringing negativity. Cutting off connection does not mean that love is cut off, the love is still there but if being wrapped up with you is causing all this negative effects within my mind and feelings are constantly being hurt and respect being lost then that connection needs to be severed. Some may not understand and others will but that’s life. You’re not always going to understand everything in life and it’s not your responsibility to try to go out of your way to have everyone understand you because there is always going to be someone that won’t understand no matter how much you explain to them. I learned that I have to live my own life, cut off negative connections, continue to show love but I need to take care of myself because you are the most important person in your life.
All of this was realized during the afternoon right up to the evening phone call in the store. A friend of mine called me and updated me about the health of another sister of mine that I grew up with who has been battling sickle cell for as long as I’ve know her. I was told that her kidney was failing and that she wasn’t doing very well and they moved her to a different place in the hospital for comfort measures. Throughout the years I was used to seeing her in and out of the hospital but after losing another sister to sickle cell before and seeing her showing the same signs something inside finally snapped. I still had the little voice of hope in the back of my head whispering “Maybe she’ll be okay?” but it was already being drowned out by all of the drama and fussing and turmoil that I had with another family member some hours before and now receiving news about a close friend of the family *sister* on her death bed I just couldn’t keep it together anymore and I had to sit down on one of the camera chairs in the store and I called my husband to tell him what happened and while I was talking to him, I started to break down and cry.
I felt and still feel ashamed of crying and I know that it’s okay to cry but while I was sitting and getting off the phone with my husband who was telling me to come home a woman was walking past me and I remember trying to stop the tears from falling down and whispering into the phone but the tears fell and I think she might have been looking in my direction becasue she stopped and ask me if I was okay and all I could do was shake my head know and start to wipe away my tears to hide them but more just kept falling. She asked me what was wrong and I told her my sister was in the hospital, she then asked if she was alright but then she back tracked and said that it was a silly questions since obviously she wasn’t. I knew she was trying to help and I already felt ashamed and that I was being a burden and that I shouldn’t be showing my emotions like this so I tired my best to dry my tears and I apologized to her and said that I will be okay. I don’t remember much of what happened after that or what else I said or what else she said but I do remember walking to the self checkout and it felt like each step I took the ground was slowly reaching up and pulling me down to it like grappling hooks.
I made it back home and my husband met me at the door and I cried a little more that night.
Usually the shock of death takes a while to fully hit me, I’m still dealing with the shock of my Grandma Daye’s death not fully being understood with my sub-conscious but I’ve learned that life and death happens. Life doesn’t stop ticking and the world doesn’t stop turning but you just continue to learn how to deal with these types of situations when they come.
Sometimes I have to take a break and just breath and other times I have to stay busy to push past this difficult time. For what I should do right now I’m not too sure but what I do know is that I don’t want anyone to worry, I know as human’s with emotions that’s easier said then done but I shared all of that with you all for a reason because I know a lot of time as comic creators we usually say that life got in the way or life happened and we have to go on a break. I thought that instead of just saying that I could possibly share my life that is happening right here and right now.
Being a comic creator isn’t an easy field because life can happen and it can hit hard and sometimes it takes more then just the contract of a paycheck to help you keep moving forward and creating content. It takes that deep passion and love for what you do to help you keep moving forward when life around you is doing it’s usual plot twisting thing. Life comes with it’s up’s and down’s and you have to do what you feel is best for your own sanity.
Before I close I just want to also reassure everyone that I will be okay, I’ve gone through this before and I will go through it again so I don’t want to alarm anyone. I just wanted to share more of my life with you all and if I did offend or hurt anyone with what I said that wasn’t my intentions. For now I plan on possibly doing some more artwork and probably make some tea and sit with the kids and watch some netflexs or maybe a K-drama or read a webtoon.
Thank you for those that read to this point and I hope you all are doing well and have a good weekend. Hard times come but the storm doesn’t last always so let’s keep our head up together. Flowers need rain water to grow so let take in our water and blossom to the beautiful creation when it’s all over.